1. There are amazing things your new job teaches you.
  2. Some of them you learn by observing your workplace culture.
  3. Ever heard of “work behavioural lessons”?
  4. If you’re punctual for work, good for you.
  5. If you notice your colleagues coming in late, you should most definitely mind your own business.
  6. Nope, not your duty to report them to the office manager.
  7. Whose ass are you trying to kiss?
  8. Nobody likes a shit-stirrer.
  9. Lunch time is lunch time.
  10. If you needed help…. well, too bad. You should have asked earlier.
  11. “Earlier” means preferably after everybody’s had their morning cuppa, checked their personal emails, caught up on the latest gossip and stuff.
  12. Not when they’re in the midst of planning what to eat for lunch.
  13. And most certainly not when they’re about to leave for lunch at 11:00AM.
  14. Even if you see them lunching al deskoIT’S STILL LUNCH TIME.
  15. Your stuff can wait till later.
  16. An hour (or two, or three) wouldn’t make that much of a difference any way.
  17. If it’s “super urgent”, do it yourself.
  18. Besides, you’re expected to work through lunch.
  19. How else are you going to prove yourself?
  20. By the way, it doesn’t hurt to ask politely.
  21. Watch those Ps and Qs.
  22. For a newbie, you’re kind of rude.
  23. Especially when you interrupt post-lunch tea breaks.
  24. Pretend you didn’t see those YouTube videos and Facebook chats.
  25. If you’re not included in the grapevine, you’re not included.
  26. It’ll be awkward if they’re gossiping about you.
  27. They’re gossiping about you.
  28. Pretend you didn’t hear about it.
  29. The real world is filled with cruel, back-stabbing, nasty, NASTY monsters.
  30. Feel free to cry yourself to sleep tonight. Just make sure you mind your own business tomorrow.
  31. You’re not in the WhatsApp chat group?
  32. Yep, it exists.
  33. Explains why you didn’t know about the order.
  34. When a few of them disappear in the afternoon for a couple of hours…
  35. What? The cheese tart queue is insane, OK?
  36. Everybody knows how much you’re earning.
  37. They know
  38. …that you’re overpaid.
  39. “Confidential information” means “widely-discussed amongst everyone else except you”.
  40. Knocking-off time is knocking-off time.
  41. Last-minute work requests are not accepted.
  42. “Last-minute” means “the period between post-lunch and 6PM”.
  43. The phrase “One last thing before you leave for the day…” is generally not well-received.   
  44. That “one last thing” could take all night.
  45. Nobody likes to work overtime. Duh.
  46. (Just like how nobody likes you. Duh.)
  47. So whatever it is you want done? That can wait till tomorrow too.
  48. It’s all about team work, right?
  49. Good Samaritan, you do it then. Good team mate. Gooood team mate.
  50. Don’t forget to turn up extra early tomorrow, Goody Two-Shoes! 😉

xx J