1. I look like I’ve got a damn fountain sprouting out of my head.
  2. Well, you would, too, if you had to walk to the train station. Took me 12 freakin’ minutes.
  3. Do people not know it’s rude to stare? I mean, I’m only perspiring. EVERYBODY perspires.
  4. No thank you, I don’t need a seat. Dude, do I look pregnant? DO I?
  5. OF COURSE I’m offended. I’ll never wear this dress EVER again.
  6. Sigh. My knees do hurt, though. Swollen as usual.
  7. So are my feet. Can barely walk most mornings.
  8. Surely this shouldn’t be happening at my age.
  9. But who gives a damn, right.
  10. I need Coke NOW. I finished the 1.5 litre bottle I bought yesterday.
  11. The supermarket is 3 blocks away. TOO. FAR.
  12. Prolly costs more at 7-Eleven, but it’s nearer.
  13. Also, they have that amazing instant mashed potato. And Slurpee.
  14. I don’t understand individually-wrapped chocolates. Or individually-wrapped ANYTHING.
  15. How is it that people can call a miserable square of chocolate a “treat”?
  16. It’s the entire Cadbury family block or nothing.
  17. Just kidding, I NEVER settle for nothing.
  18. Because YOLO. Eat all you want!
  19. I don’t only love food. I love men, too.
  20. Ben and Jerry are the perfect dates. Mr Softee left me a long time ago.
  21. Old school bakeries have the dopest sugar donuts and Spam buns….
  22. ….to go along with my curry puff and half a bag of Doritos leftover from yesterday.
  23. I must say it is utterly ABSURD that 11 chips make up one serving. What rubbish. One bag should be considered a single serving.
  24. It’s perfectly acceptable to sleep in until 3PM on weekends.
  25. Unless…. McDonald’s breakfast.
  26. Call them right before they close breakfast orders so you can snooze till 11:44AM! #mcdonaldshack
  27. Hotcakes, scrambled eggs, sausage, extra maple syrup, chilli sauce, ketchup, and lots of salt and pepper, please.
  28. Then I take a nap until it’s time for lunch.
  29. Too tired to go out.
  30. Want some fruit though. Pineapple fried rice.
  31. Summoning all my energy to drag myself out for some Thai takeaway.
  32. Kidding again. Dialled for Hawaiian pizza (extra cheese!), garlic bread, and cinnamon breadsticks.
  33. That wasn’t satisfying at all. HOW do people get full on a few slices of pizza?
  34. They should resurrect the pizza buffet. FREE FLOW PIZZA ERRMAHGERD.
  35. Hmm. 2 more hours to dinner. Imma forage the fridge.
  36. What happened to those Tim Tams?
  37. Oh. Right. Ate the whole tray on Wednesday night.
  38. Barely tasted a thing. They don’t make sweets like they used to.
  39. Everything is tasteless!
  40. I’d love to hit town but I’ve got nothing to wear now.
  41. It’s about time I revamped my wardrobe. You know, get rid of said frumpy dress that made me look pregnant.
  42. Why do they even bother making clothes in size 2? Or 0? OR 00?
  43. RIDICULOUS. Do you know any fully-grown adult who can actually fit into those?
  44. Notice how shoe sizes are waaaay more reasonable? You can be a size 10 and nobody judges you.
  45. It’s simply more fun to shop for bags.
  46. But some idiot told me the other day that my Jumbo Chanel Flap is perfect for my “large body”.
  47. He also said I need to lose weight.
  48. Umm, thank you? Why don’t you tell me something I don’t already know.
  49. I’d love to get started on that packet of Jaffa Cakes but it’s 5AM now. I gotta go to bed.
  50. Shall eat them in bed.

xx J