Am I In Control?
Can one ever truly be in control? Carrie ponders on the true meaning of being in control - is it the power to let go and feel or the power to hold it back?
I think at times I’m very conflicted. Should I be feeling angry, sad, disappointed, hurt? My instant reflex is to not want to feel too strongly, to put up a solidly neutral emotionless front, a me that is “in control”. It has served me well at times – this maintaining of a cool disposition, being unreachable, untouchable, and in a way not being present. I smile, I go through what I think seems to be moving on, and I deal.
On retrospect, it does seem like this automated reflex action to guard myself and away from potential harm, isn’t all that right. Am I really in control by putting up a controlled front?
Perhaps, being unable to feel is a true lack of control. I think it is so hard for me to understand this because on the surface, I think I am this person, a cheery, happy, positive individual with a zest for going and getting, but who am I really in the deepest crevices of my being? Am I truly okay with maintaining this coolness and distance? I guess in a way I am not. As I was thinking this and processing this, I couldn’t help but cry. I do get emotional very often, but this was the first in a long time, I’ve really felt myself let go. The first was during that church visit and the second, this time, it was even more draining and leaving me “powerless” (or on a flipside, “empowered”), was after speaking about an issue that I’ve been avoiding for the longest time. Being told, it’s okay, understanding it’s okay to feel, and then allowing that emotion to be released… It was a feeling that left me feeling better, surprisingly.
I look at the “advice” I have given to people, about doing this “let it go” thing without even knowing if I am truly letting things go, without really getting rid of an emotion, instead unconsciously advocating that they continue to avoid a problem. It’s funny how much these well-meaning advice can mean nothing at all and how I have been dishing out really potentially harmful advice. I have grown very clever at maintaining a persona, a front that even I am blinded by this me that is on the surface of things. Why do I hide my fears and emotions, does rejecting them hold me back or do they empower me?
I’m still in the process of figuring this out and I will continue to ask myself questions because only I have the answers to them. So today’s question is “Am I in Control?” and “Why?” It’s a little dark in here, but I’ll still work at it.