into the deep end…
A short reflective piece on healing post eating disorder. Mrs Ison provides her heartfelt recount.
Without really introducing myself properly…here’s my first post… something written in March this year but it was still so raw that I just stowed it away……
I went for inner healing ministry again. Almost feels like going for a AA meeting of sorts.
Lifted wholesale from the Restoring the Foundations website, this should explain inner healing a little bit more:
Restoring The Foundations Ministry
An Integrated Approach to Biblical Healing
Rarely can we point to a single cause for problems in our lives. They are usually complicated and can involve many people and events which impact us on a regular basis. Compound these events over a life-time and it is no wonder that we are often at a loss to discern the root causes of such pressing issues. These many facets continually interact to make us who we are.This is true for the four major problem areas negatively affecting our lives. They are integrally intertwined; there is a fundamental interrelatedness between Generational Sins and Curses, Ungodly Beliefs, Life’s hurts, and Demonic Oppression. In order to bring lasting healing and freedom, all four areas must receive ministry in the same general time frame.
So what issue did I seek help for?
Well, this surprises even myself but this is more embarrassing than even suicidal thoughts…
Aren’t you supposed to be a dietitian and be helping people who have eating disorders?!!
Usually when people ask me why I become a dietitian, I’d tell them it’s because I’ll like to help people have better health by eating well. That’s totally true.
The long story is that when I was about 24, I was working for my two elder sisters in their clothing business. My eldest sister was in charge of the administrative stuff and my second sister is a bona fide fashion designer and I was mostly at the store front, selling clothes, mostly to ladies in their 40s and 50s.
At that time, Pastor Rick Warren just published his famous “The purpose driven life” and I was reading it earnestly. There was a chapter about our life’s purpose and he said that God will use our greatest hurts to build our ministry to others…and then I thought about my life long passion with food…having done a F&B course in Switzerland and then going through bulimia when I was 21 and feeling that I had conquered after reading a book called ‘The Search for Significance’..
Ok back to the story…
so with that in mind, I prayed to God about becoming a dietitian. ‘Cos dietitians help people with eating disorders right?? Plus I really cared for my dad and wished that he had better health (he had multiple strokes and a couple of toes amputated due to his poorly controlled diabetes..) and I thought that if he had a better diet that he wouldn’t have to suffer so much and the family wouldn’t have to go through all the anxiety as well..and I wished other people and families didn’t have to go through the same pain…
(I do realize that I like to avoid pain and save other people from pain…)
Becoming a dietitian is a miracle in itself because I didn’t have the necessary pre-requisites..but I will write that story another day…
a couple of years into the dietetics course, I realized that I was going through bulimia again..and even became a participant in an intervention that a psychologist was doing studying … and I was told that a person with an eating disorder never quite recovers…but the illness lies dormant and might relapse in times of stress…
so there were relapses when I got back to Singapore after going on a crazy strict diet to lose weight for one year and … recently.
Some friends don’t seem to understand how I can get so stressed out over the wedding invitations…when people don’t reply or decline… and also with asking for help….when friends who have previously agreed or even volunteered to help forgot completely about their offers or appear unenthusiastic… there was one friend who told me chirpily, “let me know if you need help OK!?”
my (curt) reply was that I didn’t dare to ask her for help because she didn’t reply when I last asked her for help…(yes, it’s true..)..subsequently she said that she felt hurt that I’m not more understanding of her busy schedule…
anyways…so that unpleasant interaction actually triggered bulimia for about two days…. and it was then I decided I needed help cos I do not wish to bring my issues to Kentucky…
so the conclusion of the inner healing session was that the eating and purging was rooted in feelings of abandonment… that I use eating as a coping mechanism and a source of comfort.. that my fear was when I cry out for help, no one helps or tells me that I’m asking for too much..
the memory which drifted to the surface was the 6 year old me alone at home…it was a routine to wake up and then get ready for kindergarten and then come home again myself and I felt lonely and helpless but didn’t know what else to do..so most times I’d just play in the living room…usually what happens in inner healing sessions is that God will redeem that memory too…that I’d have to ask the Holy Spirit what’s happening and what He wants to show me in that memory and usually the person will see Jesus beside them and feel comforted and safe..hmmm… but I didn’t…during this session so I’m not sure if it’s successful or not..
So you mean you are not healed yet?
Well, I don’t really know. (unless there is a relapse right…. which we addressed also..to reject the belief that it can never be healed..)
These are the godly beliefs which I’m supposed to memorize and internalize for the next 30 days….
1. God is my father and my good Shepherd. He watches out for me. He is also my everlasting help and ever present comfort.
2. God gives me the discernment to open and to guard my heart as necessary. He has given me the gift of forgiveness. I am wanted and precious and I am a blessing to many.
So far so good……..
UPDATE: four months down the road, no relapses…and no thoughts of even going there….thank God.. 🙂