Excerpts and fragments of memories from The Little Black Book I have forgotten and recently found again. It’s hard to imagine heartbreak can feel so fresh even after you’ve let everything go. Pain is forever encapsulated in wounded writing.

#20

The beach. The water. You. Me.
The rest of the world; friends or foes.
No care. No presence. No difference.

Just us in a sea of mixed emotion. Lip on lip, heart on heart. Melding together and drawing apart.

#8

A curious thing about relationships is… As two people with lives intertwined, the relationship never stops changing. And the natural thing to do when faced with change is to hold on tight. But that is precisely what started the death of love. The desperation and loneliness.

Trying wasn’t enough because the faith is gone. Why till the end did I want to try again? Was I still in love? No. Did I still love him? Perhaps. But I do believe I couldn’t let go until I knew that it was all I could do and nothing more. When the love was surely gone from him. I knew he made the right choice and if I stayed it wouldn’t really change a thing. We were no longer the person we fell in love with. And we were not people we would fall in love with again.

The pain on retrospect came from the feeling of abandonment. When he didn’t abandon me, still wanting to be my friend, it became clear what hurt. I just wanted to hold on to something, knowing it would never come back. There are so many moments between us I have to let go. I should because holding on to them serves no purpose if they will turn me bitter. It is sad we have to come to this. But… We stopped being happy. This is the one chance to be happy again.

We couldn’t heal if we were still hurting each other.

#4

There were times I was so sure you’d break my heart. And surely like any boy you did, even if sometimes with no intention and other times just because that was just who you were. But at the end of the day it doesn’t take a genius to find out that I would be a masochistic idiot and break my own heart without your help. You only cracked me carelessly but I took my own heart and broke it.

#3

I love Aglio Olio for more reasons than you would be aware. Because you helped me discover the most delicious prawn aglio olio at coffee club. And also because whenever I crave it, ask for it, you’ll make it for me. You don’t even know how much I love it. You only think I like it for the taste. I like it for that and the memories.